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The holidays were hard without you.

Your sister, Jen was diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday.  You should be here to take care of everything and everyone.

I started seeing a Therapist again.  I think you would like her.

I'm trying to be brave, I really am.

Billy is my boyfriend now.  I'm not sure how you'd feel about that.  But it's good.

I'm struggling and am having a hard time finding my footing.

I have happy days and really, really good things going on in life too.

I'm starting ASL classes later this month, I think you'd really like that.

I love you and I miss you.

5 Things we Need to do Every Day to be Okay

1. Breathe
2. Eat
3. Drink Water
4. Sleep
5. Take medication of needed

Jimbo and I came up with this the day after the Worst Day and he asked me every day if I was doing our 5 things.  You can't imagine how hard this was.  And you don't know how much I needed someone to do these 5 things with me.  I needed Jimbo; and this was one of many instances of help he gave me so I could get through the first few days.

You taught me to break things down to a more manageable size when I feel overwhelmed, so I did.  5 things is what I could handle.

Your Celebration of Life is coming up in a week.  It's going to be a the Turf Club, which I think you'd really like.  Donor Alliance was enough to print memorial cards to give out.  I tried to put a Widespread Panic lyric on the back but couldn't due to copyright laws.  They sent me the proof today with the poem I picked out.  I heard it on a podcast about 6 months ago and thought it was pretty.

40

It's been 40 days since the Worst Day.

Food doesn't taste the same.  Music doesn't sound the same.  Laughter doesn’t feel the same.  My heart doesn't beat the same.

I think you would be really proud of how I've been handling things.  

Every day there is something that comes up; another reminder that you aren’t coming home.

I donated your corneas and they were successfully transplanted.  I hope that is okay with you; that is one decision from the Worst Day that I really struggled with.  I can tell you more about that later.

You were so encouraging when I had Jillie Side Up that I started this blog to get back to writing.  Writing is supposed to be therapeutic for the bereaved.  Did I tell you that I went to a grief support group?  I’ll tell you more about that later.

I will also tell you all about my new dog, Karen.

Is Nik with you?

All and all, I’m hanging in there.

I am well taken care of.  You always said you knew too many people which has turned out to be a wonderful blessing.  Billy moved in and I spend a lot of time with Karey.  Our family and friends are incredible.  I haven’t been alone one day or night since the Worst Day and I think you would take comfort in that.

Days, thoughts, conversations, and memories have all been a blur.  Weekends are hard.  A lot of the time has gone by very fast and the rest has been dreadfully slow.

There have been some downright rotten days and some okay ones.  I’m trying not to be angry; but you shattered my universe.  It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

I still eat, even though it hard.  I still listen to music, even though it hurts.  I still laugh, even though it seems empty.  My heart is still beating, even though it seems meaningless.

I miss you and have so much to tell you.